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I Only Answer To My Name Now

by Allison Van Liere

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1.
Lord, let me suffer / let me suffer and then die / let me walk through silence and leave nothing behind / make the world go on as before / let the ocean keep kissing the shore / let the grass stay green so that frogs can hide there / so that someone can bury his face there and sob out his love / make the day rise brightly as if there were no more pain / and let this song stand clear as a windowpane / bumped by a bumblebee’s head.
2.
It started with fire, the fear that follows me / when you took me as a child to see the charred house down the street I dreamt walls of flame slowly cornered me / as they touched me, I woke up / I was fearless until you made me afraid / I started locking my favorite toys in the fireproof safe. I was pretty young when you told me the truth / you said, “There are men who want to hurt girls like you” / then I dreamt two tall men came into my room, gagged me, and dragged me away in a van / I was fearless until you made me afraid / I started packing a Smith & Wesson and pepper spray. I loved you more than I loved my own life / when I realized you could easily die I dreamt I sat on the edge of a deep and narrow pit / looking down into darkness with no end / I was fearless until you made me afraid / I’ve locked everything of value away / I was fearless until you made me afraid / now just look at all the trouble you’ve made.
3.
Come on, get out of bed / I know you’ve imagined the icy weight of that snub-nose steel on your forehead / I know you’ve eyed the double line, thought how easy it’d be / a twitch of the finger, a tilt of the wheel on the drive home last night / saying, “Oh, what do I do? What do I do?” / Hey, I say it too. Talk about the black-eyed dog / its faithful weight on your chest / the velvet pressure that pins you down but never lets you rest / or how you feel hunted like prey / so paralyzed, so afraid you could be cut by a flash of claws and carried away / saying, “Oh, what do I do? What do I do?” / Hey, I say it too. You can lie broken on I-94 / you can fly open in the dark of your second-story bedroom / or you can let yourself down gently / you can rest your weight on me / don’t you dare go easy / oh, what do I do? What do I do? / Hey, that’s all I can say.
4.
I know this place too well now / I’ve stretched to fit its frame / I’ve stuck like a clog in the neck of a drain, there’s no leaving the way that I came / the audible quiet at night / the wind leaning hard on the walls / the way I still sleep on my side of the bed and hope someone and no one will call / too much mine / too much mine / I trace and trace over their lines / I trace and trace over their lines. The bruises I don’t remember getting / the veins that show through my arms / the baffling way the shallowest cut can become the oldest of scars / too much mine / too much mine / I trace and trace over their lines / I trace and trace over their lines. So I wake and I work and I weary / as coffee and whiskey keep time / like a piano you pay to have taken away / like dust hardened on the blinds / don’t “oh honey” me and don’t ask me what’s wrong / let me lengthen like shadows grow long / here for a while / then gone.
5.
I like to know where I’ll be before I’m there / I’d rather pack all my things for nothing but be prepared / like facing backwards on trains with our necks craned / can’t see what’s coming til it’s here for two seconds and it shrinks til it’s gone / and it’s here for two seconds and it shrinks til it’s gone / give me a head start, some kind of sign I’ll take any kind / a map, a twitch before the slap / give me a little warning / give me a little warning, would you / give me a little warning / give me a little warning would you / give me an excuse to come back some other time when I can handle bad news? I spend all of this time looking back into the long distance / feeling the eyes of all the things I can’t see that give me resistance / all of the things I can’t see that see me / all of the things I can’t see that see me / maybe they know when it’s the last time / but everything moves so fast I don’t know til it’s already passed / til it’s already passed / til it’s already passed / give me a little warning / give me a little warning, would you / give me a little warning / give me a little warning, would you / give me an excuse to come back some other time when I can handle bad news? Give me a suddenly before the verb / a wind-up, a tensed nerve / a tip-off, a long look / a quick curse before the swerve / a flinch before the trigger pull / a deep breath before the word / a stumble before the fall / I’ll take anything / I’ll take anything at all / won’t you give me a little warning / give me a little warning, would you / give me a little warning / give me a little warning, would you / give me a little warning / give me a little warning / ‘cause even though it won’t help to know / it might soften the blow / it might soften the blow / it might soften the blow.
6.
I Don't Know 05:11
My shoulders are broad, I fill out my clothes / I can carry a load, I can clear my own road / but I don’t know where I’m going, barely know where I’ve been / I got nowhere to aim, nothing to spend / and I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to stay here / I got creature needs, I got creature fears / can I laugh at long loneliness, love it like snow left folded in homes by the cold? / Oh, I don’t know. I'm young and I'm strong, can barely go on / but I own my own home, but I mow my own lawn / I've done nothing grand, nothing as planned / I can close up my fist, can I open my hand and grow old like a gradually loosening grip through which everything slips away? / Oh, I don't know. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay here / but I don't know.
7.
I love a lot of things that don’t love me / I’m not the woman that I used to be / more a hunter than a moth to flame / don’t you call me honey, don’t you call me babe / I only answer to my name now / I only answer to my name. My arms are empty and my hands are bare / I’m pretty sure that I don’t care / too much pressure to have perfect aim / to be strong yet slender, a year-end contender / so I only answer to my name now / I only answer to my name. You might not know me if we met again / I’ve come farther than I’ve ever been / out beyond the edge of what I claim / past the winter mornings and wide-open spaces where I only answer to my name now / I only answer to my name.
8.
I was born with skin that let the world in / so in came sorrow, so in came sin / wore down my wonder, wore it thin / so I curved myself in, glued my knees to my chin / thinned my belly, closed the door / pressed my forehead to the floor / but everything was pretty much the same as the day before / so I pulled myself up / I grew taut and tough / flung my fists and fought to win / wrung my wrists and broke my skin / I spat and swore / but everything was pretty much the same as the day before / so I filled myself out / I grew strong and stout / wore down my days / wore them down, smooth and round / and swallowed them whole / yeah I took control / and wanted more / but everything was pretty much the same as the day before / so I grew skin won’t let anything in / no sorrow / no sin / no wonder to wear thin.
9.
It was our last safe distance, but we went on anyway / when I left with you in August and gave myself away / and we promised and we swore / wish I did, but I don’t know you anymore. Together up the mountain our hems brushed holy ground / but you longed for lower places so you didn’t stick around / you know I promised and I swore / wish I did, but I don’t know you anymore. Back from the land without thunder needing a good storm / needing revelation, an arm to keep me warm / because I promised and I swore / wish I did, but I don’t know you anymore.
10.
I still have the clothes I was wearing in the crash / the holes in the cotton and my body match / I wore long skirts to hide my wounds / hurt goes and comes back like the moon. I counted my motions in twenties and tens / I stopped and started and counted again / the daily reminders, the constant climb / it takes so much time, it takes so much time / no I’m not there / no I’m not there / no I’m not there, but I move along / I sing my hymns and I take my pills and I stretch my limbs and I pay my bills. I found one of your dress shirts in a box of loose ends / that had come all the way back with me to Michigan / I intended to send it back but it sat in a drawer / so now I’m finally taking that thing to the thrift store / you don’t owe me / no you don’t owe me / you don’t owe me, but let me go / I take no shit now, I’m impolite, and if you don’t like me, well that’s all right. I kept to myself, I stayed out of sight / but I’m getting dressed up and I’m going downtown tonight / gonna see the lights so bright they hurt / gonna cuff my sleeves, and I’m gonna do my work / give it all I got / give it all I got / give it all I got, keep moving along / just a little of this and a little of that / wash in the Jordan and pick up your mat / no guarantees it’ll even come to that.
11.
Rolling Slow 04:52
The note he left when he left me is ash long burned and blown away / yeah I saw it open like a leaf / then I saw it curl like a vine / and burst like a flower in July / some things are beautiful when they die. Now I don’t have a lot to say, I just want to notice things / wondering along the way whatever this life brings / rolling slow, where do I go from here? The sun set long before the sunset in sky smoke-dark with wildfire / yeah I saw it redden like a cheek / then I saw it widen like a smile / and sink to the mountains like a sigh / some things are beautiful when they die. Now I don’t have a lot to say, I just want to notice things / wondering along the way whatever this life brings / I’m rolling slow / I’m rolling slow / rolling slow, where do I go from here?

about

An intimate journey through solitude and uncertainty with unflinching candor and wit. Several things are on fire.

credits

released October 30, 2020

Allison Van Liere – vocals, guitars, ukulele, dulcimer, accordion
John Gargiulo – guitars, lap steel
Lee Ketch – guitars, bass, synths, cello, melodica
Connor Boyle – drums
Steve Slagg – piano, wurlitzer, organ
Kit Shields – backing vocals, EML
Sydney Shields – backing vocals

Music & lyrics by Allison Van Liere
Produced by Kit Shields and Lee Ketch at Harlot's Progress
Recorded and mixed by Dorian Gehring at Foxhall Studio
Mastered by Greg Obis at Chicago Mastering Studio
Cover art and jacket design by Allison Van Liere

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Allison Van Liere Holland, Michigan

Kinda dark, confessional, feminist folk/rock that takes its coffee black and whiskey neat.

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